Quarantine And My Bad Attitude
"These to me were very cruel experiences as I was so close to buttoning both up. You know the old trick, you wait, and the other shoe doesn't drop, so you trust that the good fortune is real and going to happen."
This title just seems very silly when I read it out loud to myself. When I think about IT though, I can see where my reactions to minor daily strife and other incidents are not at all what I would consider normal. It's been a rough time for me since March 12th, 2020. At that time, I had what I thought was a guaranteed employment offer where I had been consulting for two years, and a sales contract for a home that is 118 years old that I was selling. Life had never seemed so good. The timing of the employment offer was to coincide with the consulting contract expiration of early May 2020. March, even with quarantine was a very good month for me. In the beginning of April, everything cratered. The full-time job went from a delayed start date to a rescindment of it, and with a very trite explanation – just "Due to COVID-19…". Two days before the job offer was rescinded, the buyer dropped out of the sales contract on the very old home. These to me were very cruel experiences as I was so close to buttoning both up. You know the old trick, you wait, and the other shoe doesn't drop, so you trust that the good fortune is real and going to happen. I immediately started looking for another job, and I got another job offer at the end of April. The consulting contract did not expire in May, it was extended until September of 2021. All seemed to be back on track. Well, the new job offer still to this day hasn't turned into a new job. (It appears that there are funding issues for the position.) I look at that, and it too seems so mean. The consulting job means I get no paid holidays or sick time. My health insurance costs for an "OK" plan is exorbitant. I was so angry at the organization that was to hire me full time in May, as I am consistently told that I am not a person that keeps the lights on, I am a person that creates the needed light. I had to tell the management to stop saying that. I also learned that the job rescindment was done at a high level without my boss or his manager knowing about it. Therefore, who cares what these two have to say to me, it means nothing. Why flatter me if you aren't going to give my prize which was the full-time job?
So, why train effectively during this big mess? Why even give a peep about anything? When I excel at something important to me, I have the confidence to approach goals in other areas with vigor and a pretty good attitude. The job mess made my whole attitude stink. Everything sucked, and it wasn't even my fault. The rare scenario where I was a legitimate victim. I told the guy I work for, "Whatever, go flibber yourself.", and more than once I uttered those words to him. All I could see was that I was in a deep hole with crap, and that I really didn't have anything else to lose. A very self-entitled stance just because I didn't get what I so truly wanted. The effort to train just died, and anything bike run just withered. The pools were closed, so let's not mention swimming. I held myself prisoner with my "Oh, poor widdle me" thoughts and attitude.
Luckily, I've mostly lived elsewise in manner where I constantly reevaluate my behavior. I ask myself if I had a part in any terse discussion, argument, or incident where I feel queasy about how it went or how I acted. I got back on track and started to be grateful again for each day. I have my health, I have work for the foreseeable future, and I can do the training that I want to do. Not everyone is as blessed. By thinking of others before myself (quite the hard feat for this egotist), and by helping others I've found peace. I have apologized to my boss. I am very fortunate that we have such a good working relationship. I will no longer think that I can manage these kinds of heartaches on my own or silently. If the new job offer turns into a job, that would indeed be another blessing. It costs me nothing to sit back and wait for that. My brain fog has cleared since I am no longer as self-absorbed. I get to swim again, and I've realized that the sensory deprivation helps to slow down my thought processes.
I suggest that if you too are in this boat go for a run, bike, or swim. The endorphins created alone are such a boost. I started making a daily gratitude list again. I also make a daily list where not only do I chalk up the good things that I've done during the day, but also items where I may need to make an amends or apology. These two daily lists have freed me. I'm still not where I want to be with pacing or my weight, but those things don't matter. What matters most is peace of mind, as with that I can accomplish anything. My latest thing is taking photos of my training or virtual racing with a toy Unicorn. I continuously laugh at these photos and smile when planning the next ones. I had no idea that one could buy a dolly sized jogging stroller. The Unicorn has been named Fluffy.
Written By: Jackie Nunes, Tri Sirena Siren Luminary
Follow Jackie on Instagram @unixchick
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